accomplished twins. life is a go
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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