I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
