he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
