Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize