worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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