you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
