I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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