Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
