if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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