this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
