So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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