On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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