so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
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She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
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She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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