What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he puts the penis in happiness.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
