Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think your dad took our porno
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
