Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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