Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
