me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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