The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
