mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
