I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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