I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
