Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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