If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
