I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
