He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
