Your mouth is God's brothel.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
