I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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