I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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