quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
