my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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