i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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