It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
meet me or not, i'm out of control
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
