Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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