very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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