the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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