I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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