Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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