Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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