We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
