is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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