i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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