i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
