I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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