I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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