I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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