that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
