Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
