why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Also, beer. Big fan.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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