this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
