The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
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They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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