I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
