just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
