Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
