sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need to calm my uterus...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
