she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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