if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
