She's JV to your varsity
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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