I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Randomize
